The Newspaper Article
by Sailor Wolf4
Summary: Sakura Haruno has just finished reading Breaking Dawn and after throwing said book against the wall, finds a newspaper with an interesting article. TWILIGHT FANS BEWARE!


The Newspaper Article

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR NARUTO. BUT I DO OWN THE IDEAS AND PLOT OF THIS STORY.

Dedication: I dedicate this fanfic to Terry Pratchett for his genius, wit, and hope that he gives me every time he publishes something. His intelligence has inspired all of my writing and has helped shape me and my characters to where they are today.

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Sakura threw the book that she held in her hand against the wall and glared at it with angry green eyes. THAT was a total waist of her time! Really! There was no fighting in it whatsoever, so how the hell could anyone even say it was good? It had freekin' vampires in it for heaven sakes! VAMPIRES! Shouldn't there have been some type of daring rescue and shouldn't the heroine be a little less… stupid? There were many situations where the young Kunoichi would have just walked away, or killed something that this little idiot of a mary-sue just stood there and stared. How the hell did that work out into a best-selling novel?

The rosette took out her newspaper, needing something slightly more intelligent to read after the train wreck of a novel she had just finished. She stared at the front page in shock. Then she scanned through the contents in disbelief. Then she went back and re-read what was on there in stunned silence. After all of that she finally burst out into fits of hysteric laughter at what she had just seen.

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The newspaper headline read: ANTI-TWILIGHTERS RAMPAGE AGAINST THE BOOK. WHAT ONE AUTHOR HAS COMMENTED CONCERNING THE BOOK SERIES

_Written and edited by the author herself:_

_Sailor Wolf writes:_

_There are many issues that I have with the book that Stephanie Meyers wrote about these said vampires and as a humble and notorious science fiction fantasy author I would like to comment on her writings. In the way that I am doing this, I will describe the reasons why I believe Twilight would not have been touched or looked at by the movie industry before said book became popular. There were and are many things that I would have done differently in this book all of which concern Twilight and it's epic failure at the basics of all good fiction. My colleagues in fiction, Terry Pratchett, Christopher Paolini, Terry Brooks, and Brian Jaques would most likely all agree with me concerning this issue. So without further ado, these are the things that I would have done differently from Meyer's disaster of a book series. _

_1: There would be a middle ground. You know the whole Vampires vs Werewolves thing that's been going on, right? Well, what's the third choice? Elves. Elves are everything the two races are accept that elves happen to be alive, can't shape shift (without the help of magic), and the fact that they can USE magic. Elves are like vampires and werewolves, very beautiful and graceful, they have incredible speed, longevity, good eyesight (we're talking leagues here), good hearing, and a good sense of smell. They also don't sparkle. In the case of Tolkien, they glow, but only temporarily through Frodo's eyes while he had been poisoned._

_2: There would be ninja in it. I mean it. Somehow in some way, I would have put ninja in it. The ninja also would have been either awesome or funny. They would have added some sort of comic relief, or would have been the serious people floating around. They also would have been trained to kill vampires. _

_3: Meyers apparently never read Harry Potter, or else she wouldn't have forgotten about the wizards and witches and other magical mythical beings out there. Important questions like that need answering even if it's only mentioned once. The fact that she seemed to have forgotten about the magical beings of the universe and only focused on vampires and werewolves shows a lot about how much she actually worked for this series. Most authors usually stay secluded for a month or two before coming up with something presentable. _

_4: Bella would have equaled moody, bad tempered, hated Edward for being an ass (which he was at the beginning), would have suspected something sooner then she previously had (skin color would have been a huge pointer), wouldn't have attracted as many guys, would have had people like Fred and George Weasly/ Merry and Pippin following her around, would not have wanted Edward to screw her because she didn't want to get married (she would have actually wanted to get married, or just would have said no), would have pissed Aro off, would have reeeeeaaallly pissed Jane off, and finally, she would have been more witty. _

_5: Edward would have been a wee bit cooler, a lot less sexy, more dark, more sadistic, or… for God's sake just picture Murtagh! _

_6: Jacob and Bella would have REMAINED friends. _

_7: There would have been more action and fighting and a lot less romance throughout each chapter. Maybe like one chapter of every five dedicated to romance with a few paragraphs mentioning it in between, but that's all. _

_8: There would have been a way to put in dragons. _

_9: Renesme would never have been born or thought of, or even looked at. _

_10: Imprinting would have never even crossed my mind._

_11: _I don't care about the sunlight! It would have happened in Texas somehow someway!

_12: The vampires wouldn't have had gifts. They would have just been able to have super human abilities. Leave the magic for the elves and wizards. And werewolves. _

_So, there you have it! That is what I would have done. That is what would have happened. Would all that have made the series better? I don't know and I'm not going to find out._

_

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_

When Sakura had finished her laugh fest she folded the paper under her arm, put on her shoes, and made her way out of her house. Naruto, Sasuke, and Kakashi needed to see this. Then again, so did Ino. The blond really needed to see just how bad Twilight really was.

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Author's Note:

Alright, I know I'm going to have to address a few things before I post this, so here it goes.

1: Terry Pratchett, Terry Brooks, Brian Jaques, and Christopher Paolini are my all time favorite authors of this century and the last three decades (no I'm not that old). Tolkien is my favorite author of all time with CS Lewis coming in as a second.

2: This is a vent fic against everything that is Twilight. I just decided to use Naruto-verse because Sakura would have been the perfect character for this type of fic. Plus I didn't really want to come up with my own original character and throw it into the Twilight section.

3: I'm also of the opinion that Itachi Uchiha would have DESTROYED the Twilight vampires with a blink of his eyes. The funning thing is, is that I can say that literally.

Anywho, this is a vent fic, so if you're a die hard Twilight fan… well… just don't be offended. If you are then don't flame me about it.


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